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Does this scenario sound familiar? It's the end of your workday, and you are tired and stressed out. You are in the kitchen, opening bills and figuring out what to do for dinner. Your kids are not around, but you can hear the drone of the television, so you know what they are doing. Now, on top of everything else, you feel guilty. You'd like to be spending some quality time with your kids. You think you ought to be taking them out to throw a ball around, or baking cookies together, or initiating an art project, but you are just so tired.
If you feel concerned about this situation, you have good reason to, for there are several problems brewing here. You have no idea what your child is watching. There's so much physical isolation, you're hardly ever in the same room together. And there's also psychological distance; you don't know what your child is thinking about or being exposed to, and your child knows you have no clue. And of course, there's all that guilt.
Here's an easy solution. Occasionally, at least once or twice a week, walk away from your household chores, and go watch TV with your child. This is most easily accomplished if your child is watching TV in a common family area, such as the living room. If kids have TV in their bedrooms this is still do-able with only one child. Still, why not make it a house rule that your child watches TV in the living room during "family hours"?
As soon as you sit down on the couch with your child you are sending the first, most important message. You are putting your child first, before household tasks! This is a big deal, and even if you don't spell it out to them, they'll notice; but you could casually say "I was loading the dishwasher but I realized I really wanted to spend a little time with you." Believe me, your child will appreciate this, even if they don't show it right away.
Finally, you are in a room together with your child, and you are doing the same thing! Younger kids will gladly and readily accept your presence, and you can snuggle right in with them. Depending on the time of day, bring snacks! Now you've got physical closeness, and for a young child who has had a tough day at elementary school, snuggling up with Mom or Dad is very welcome. No matter what has gone on at school, whether there's a tough teacher, a bully on the playground, or no one to sit with at lunch, recharging in the safe haven of a snuggle with a parent is a huge relief, and a reminder that you are there for them.
There's loads of other benefits, too. You can see and moniter what your child is actually watching. Never really watched "Barney" or "The Teletubbies" or "The Rugrats"? You might be surprised at the shows that your children spend time watching. Perhaps pleasantly surprised, and perhaps not. This is when you can, during breaks in the show, of course, offer commentary. "I can see why you like this show." This is a simple statement, but it validates your child's taste, and makes him feel good. Or "I'm not so wild about this show. The main character is OK, but the rest of those guys are pretty mean. What do you think?" This is an opening to see how your child perceives things - a window into his view of social dynamics.
Of course, while watching TV together, there are lots of opportunities for comments like "I wouldn't do that, would you?" or "How would you solve that problem?" This approach really works with kids because it gets at a discussion of values in a nuetral way, without targeting a child's own behavior or putting him on the defensive.
And of course there's always "What did I miss?" which allows your child to practice summarizing what he's seen; and allows you an opportunity to gauge how well he understands what he's viewing, and how clearly he can explain a plot.
Last, but by no means least, you can let your child know, from time to time, "I really like just spending time together like this, don't you?" I guarantee you'll get a yes.
With older children and teenagers, you'll need to approach things a little differently, particularly if you feel that there's a gap between you, and if your child normally isolates himself in his bedroom watching TV. You might start by requesting that he watch TV in the living room during the evening hours. Why? "Because I'd like to hang out with you sometimes. I can't say I always will be able to, but at least if you're watching down here, maybe I can sometimes." If they grudgingly give in, try to sit down with them right away. You can't snuggle up as you would with a younger child, but you can relax and prepare to enjoy watching whatever trendy thing your kid likes to view. Try to find something you like about the show, particularly if it is his favorite. Again, say "I can see why you watch this. I never realized how funny this show is." Your teen may not overtly respond, but this kind of validation can go a long way toward building a bridge between you. If you can watch "Seinfeld" reruns a few times a week with your unapproachable teen and share some laughs, you've established a real base of connection. Maybe you can make a habit of Friday night videos. Take turns picking movies, and order out pizzas or make some popcorn. Now you're talking your teenager's Language.
Once your teen gets over the shock and awkwardness of hanging out on the couch with you, you can casually start interjecting comments and values, as with younger children, but go light. Don't moralize or lecture, or it's a turnoff. Say things like "I think what that guy did was wrong, don't you?" Or "I don't care for that character at all." Think of it as fishing. Sometimes you'll get a good response, some real dialog about values, and choices, right and wrong. Sometimes not, but that's OK. Don't force it. This is supposed to be fun.
The opportunity, however, is there, and it is very rich. Think of all the situations being enacted on TV: love, death, dishonour, crime, bravery, loyalty, selfishness; all the stuff of real life, only nicely removed. There are plenty of chances to broach just about any topic you've had on your mind. If you are worried about your teen and sex, drugs, peer pressure, or whatever, do a little browsing and find a video that addresses some of these topics, then talk about them a bit.
Your teen still craves connection to you, though they probably don't show it. They want to know what you think about things, but don't want any discussions that are awkward, embarrassing, or put them on the spot in any way. Watching TV, and then discussing a character's behavior is nice and safe, kind of like saying "I have a friend who has this problem". It's perfectly nuetral, everyone can say what they think, and save face at the same time.
Now eventually, when the dishes or dinner clamour overwhelmingly for your attention, you can give a quick hug and say "Let me know how this ends, I've gotta go fix dinner now." And you know what? Everyone feels better. Everyone feels a bit more connected.
Now the beauty of all of this is that it is so easy. Let's face it, which are you better prepared to do at the end of your workday: pull out cardboard, paint and glue and begin constructing a castle? Or sit down with a cup of tea and one of your favorite people in the world, put your feet up, and find out what your child has been watching all this time?
Why don't you try it? Tonight?
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